Someone at my job mentioned severance, and I was like, “Oh my God, I love that show,” and they said, “No, I’m about to get fired.”

28 shares on Instagram this month:

Oops, I think I’ve had a little too much to think.

87 shares on Messenger this month:

There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.

30 shares on Messenger this month:

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

79 shares on WeChat this month:

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

61 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Why waste words or gestures when a raised eyebrow is enough to make a statement?

24 shares on Twitch this month:

I love how we didn’t raise the minimum wage because it would make food more expensive, but then just made the food more expensive anyway.

43 shares on Facebook this month:

My children are very helpful. For example, when I ask them to do something, they suggest a different child that could do it instead.

10 shares on TikTok this month:

My favorite game is to guess if my headache is due to dehydration, migraine, malnutrition, stress, lack of sleep, poor position, or a brain tumor.

71 shares on Snapchat this month:

How I flirt? I look at an attractive person several times and hope that they are bolder than me.

20 shares on YouTube this month:

If a ham is allowed to spiral then so am I.