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Someone from πŸ‡±πŸ‡¨ has downloaded:

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

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If anything goes wrong today, just dramatically whisper, “The prophecy has been fulfilled,” and walk away.

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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.

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Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails, they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs.

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It’s like 10,000 lies when all you need is the files.

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Apparently β€œew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

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If I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

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The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

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Dear recipe websites. I don’t need your life story. Just give me the recipe.

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Being a procrastinator and a perfectionist means you’re stressed about work … that you haven’t even started yet.

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Sometimes I want to sleep, but my brain decides to do a little tap dance through every mistake I’ve ever made, instead.

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My brain is a Broadway star when I'm trying to sleep – tap dancing through every cringe moment πŸ•ΊπŸ’€πŸ’­πŸ˜…



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