Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking.

38 shares on Threads this month:

Gonna vibe recklessly and call it “character development”

63 shares on Pinterest this month:

I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still.

13 shares on Instagram this month:

Probably always gonna be the weirdo that believes in magic.

38 shares on Instagram this month:

Every time a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of wings on the front porch to show them what I’m capable of.

100 shares on WeChat this month:

Baby, no job is ever that serious for you to be a work snitch.

100 shares on YouTube this month:

Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

58 shares on Pinterest this month:

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

78 shares on Reddit this month:

If my memory gets any worse, I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.

19 shares on YouTube this month:

I dunno how to flirt but I can insult you so nicely.

91 shares on Discord this month:

Had an interview today, and my belly rumbled. The lady goes, “Missed lunch?” I told her, “Nah, I’m hungry for success!”