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A garlic a day keeps people away.

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Wife asked if I could stop singing Wonderwall. I said maybe…

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I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

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Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.

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People text “Happy New Year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

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If you watch soccer backwards, it’s about 11 sad and 11 happy men who nag each other until they get along eventually.

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My favorite thing to do at the gym is stay home and eat a piece of cake.

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I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

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There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

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Seeking a date so intense even the candles are sweating.