One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

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His hands wouldn’t stop talking to me, your honor.

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My kids couldn’t care less about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere.

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On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

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An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute, forget the fruit.

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The collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity.

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It’s hard to sleep knowing that cake is in the fridge.

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WhatsApp shouldn’t just display “seen”, but also “lies” and “also writes with other girls”!

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My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets, and now I’ll never eat again.

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At what point in not being able to sleep do I throw the towel in and have a beer, since maybe that will help?

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Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to.”