A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

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I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway.

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Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

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I often wonder how men could discover entire continents. Mine can’t even find the butter in the fridge.

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Women do not snore. The sound they make at night is just the rewinding of the vocal cords.

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Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough.

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Clothes too dirty for the closet, but too clean for laundry. Welcome to: the chair.

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Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind.