Cannabis has many benefits. For example, it makes you retarded. But in addition, it also makes you lazy. No worries though, it also makes you fat and insane.

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If I were Noah, I’d bring three of every animal just to create some drama.

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Laundry has to be the most sinister chore. Always waiting, always lurking.

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My kids and I have this bit where I say something and they ignore me.

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Me as the therapist: “Listen, just take a nap!”

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My favorite conspiracy theory is that things will get better.

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Telling my guitar to “stay tuned”.

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This is the dumbest apocalypse ever.

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They said I can never go back to that Vietnamese spot. They banh mi pho life.

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Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser history.

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Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.