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USPS tracking: Step 1: We don’t think it exists. Step 2: Delivered.

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I’m actually really fun once you get to know me (takes 3-4 years).

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One week of daily crunches and I have absโ€ฆurdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.

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You can always tell itโ€™s Monday because nobodyโ€™s smiling.

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Getting emotional thinking about everything SpongeBob has been through and his resilience despite it all.

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Sometimes I glance over at my boyfriend, and he’s just looking at Google Maps, scrolling around.

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The fact that I procrastinate and still get the job done is the reason I still procrastinate.

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It’s true that I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, but for my return trip, I rented a camel named Carl.

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My toddler asked if we could go to the zoo today, and I said, “I can’t see that happening.” Then she literally left the room and came back with my glasses.

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Americans be like, “MM:DD:YY” is how you say dates verbally, and then have a national holiday called “4th of July.”

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Date idea: you tell me every thought you’ve ever had about me.

Date idea: you tell me every thought you’ve ever had about me.

Commentary:
Sounds like the perfect chance to win the "Most Overwhelmed Dating Experience" award ๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿง 



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