I do not like how Netflix threatens to start the movie while I’m just tryna read the description. Like, please, you’re making me anxious.

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I’ve disappointed better people.

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Relationship status: I’m the only one wearing my hoodies.

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Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

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I have no idea how dishwasher tablets work. I’ve already taken five of them, and I still don’t feel like doing the dishes!

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This is my phone. I text back when I want to.

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Your annoying online persona has captured my heart.

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WhatsApp shouldn’t just display “seen”, but also “lies” and “also writes with other girls”!

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Apple juice tastes like it wants to be alcohol, but it’s too shy.

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I hate when people ask me, “What did you do today?” Like, buddy, listen, I woke up at noon and then it was five p.m., okay? I don’t know.

Someone from 🇨🇩 has bookmarked:

Anyone else smile at old people just to show that you’re one of the good ones.