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When my husband says, “Let me ask my wife,” he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

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The hottest thing a man can be is boring in his 30s.

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The secret to my success is everywhere I go I wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back.

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Me, in heaven: Can you take a photo of me sitting on that cloud?

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The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind.

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The trick of life is to get the sports car before you have to grunt getting in and out of it.

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If I were a bird, I know who I’d poop on.

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Almost all of my bad decisions are food-related.

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If you live in the same hemisphere as me, you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

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I love when my brain cells kiss and I have an idea.