I don’t think I’d get married again, but I would like to annoy someone until one of us is dead.

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I would pay extra for a dental hygienist who was comfortable with silence.

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Things were better when the computer lived in its own specific room, and you only went in there sometimes.

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God, on inventing the tiger: “Okay, so this is going to be some kind of cat that likes to eat Frosted Flakes.”

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You don’t know about stupidity until your female friends open up about their love life.

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My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

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They should invent a body that doesn’t keep the score.

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Whenever I feel like I hate my job, I remind myself that I could be a food taster for the emperor.