I downloaded a meditation app. Now I’m stressed about missing sessions.

94 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

23 shares on Instagram this month:

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

94 shares on Instagram this month:

If anything goes wrong today, just dramatically whisper, “The prophecy has been fulfilled,” and walk away.

93 shares on Instagram this month:

Of course, I also put my mobile down from time to time. For example, when someone tries to call me.

61 shares on Twitch this month:

And for my next trick, I’m going to miss you in a million unspoken ways.

21 shares on Twitch this month:

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

100 shares on Messenger this month:

Rental car companies seem so insanely helpless at their one job. You show up at the airport, reservation in hand, and they’re like, ‘Wait, really? You wanted a car? Sorry, you totally caught me off guard.’

17 shares on WeChat this month:

People tell me to just be myself like that would be a good thing.

37 shares on Pinterest this month:

Eventually, kids get old enough to see which parent was the problem.

50 shares on Snapchat this month:

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer stuff.