My ability to remember song lyrics from the ’90s far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the garage.

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That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, knock over a lamp, and land on the floor.

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Me in hell: “So did it hurt when you fell from heaven.” Lucifer: “Get out!”

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Going to the beach is 99% getting ready for the beach and 1% enjoying the beach.

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In a parallel universe, there’s a happy me.

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I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing.

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I’m old enough to remember when FIFA was about kicking balls, not sucking them.

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Getting paid to sleep would be such a dream job.