Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.

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The answer is always no, I did not get enough sleep.

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We were having tea with my mother-in-law the other day and out of the blue she said, “I’ve decided I want to be cremated.” I said, “Alright, get your coat.”

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Dear autocorrect, that’s not what I was trying to say. I’m getting tired of your shirt.

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Nobody says, ‘Bless you,’ when you fart.

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Sometimes I can’t believe people have had the honor of experiencing my love and chose to hurt me instead.

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I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”.

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Can I come over and be your midnight snack?