My retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song. I just need to learn how to sing and write music.

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I think it broke my boyfriend’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

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I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead.

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Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car.

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Tonight, my poor liver has to pay again for what went wrong during the week.

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I’m “I can’t sit like that for too long” years old.

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The gap in my resume? Yeah, it’s called playing outside.

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A real smart TV would increase the volume when you started eating chips.

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Walking on egg shells? In this economy?

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They should make a Wikipedia for normal people. I should be able to google my barista.

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I need money, not feelings.