Sex is cool and all, but have you ever tried obsessing over a mediocre person who’s just not that into you.

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I dream of disappearing into the woods with Wi-Fi.

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You know you’re getting old when you get mad at some random car parked outside your house.

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It was a complicated 17-hour surgery, but they finally managed to separate the art from the artist.

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I wish I was as tired in bed at night as I am after lunch at work.

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Every morning, the cat watches me make coffee and asks if we can go sit out on the balcony to watch the birds, and every morning I say, yes, of course, let’s.

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Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

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Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?

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The question is, what will kill humanity this century? Artificial intelligence or natural stupidity?

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I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

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Double chins are better than double faces.