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Heโ€™s a 10 but so is his volume.

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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

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You have never experienced true fear until a poster falls off the wall in the middle of the night.

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I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

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I’ve got a soft heart and a savage mouth. I’m like a Hallmark card written by Gordon Ramsay.

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Notifications are a reminder that you exist.

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My talents include sneaking out of work early on a Friday.

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Sex is cool and all, but have you ever tried obsessing over a mediocre person who’s just not that into you.

Sex is cool and all, but have you ever tried obsessing over a mediocre person who’s just not that into you.

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When life hands you lemons, obsess over them ridiculously ๐Ÿ‹๐Ÿคช



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Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ฒ๐Ÿ‡ป has shared:

โ€œYouโ€™re so self-aware!โ€ Thanks, itโ€™s ruining my life.

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I put the hot in psychotic.

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Iโ€™m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

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Thatโ€™s me in the corner, thatโ€™s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel.

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Unfollowing high school people really is a form of self-care.

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My last straw is way longer than I thought.

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Some days you have breakfast for dinner and live life on your own terms.