Well, I’ve been depressed and poor, but sure, we’ll call it intermittent fasting.

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I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.” I’m like, look, we had one night of drunken shopping, we are not in a relationship.

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The fewer friends at your birthday party means more cake for you. Follow me for more life hacks.

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Starting a new life today, bye.

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I’m not fat. I’m just easy to see.

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My stomach just made the exact sound of the “your” in “your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system.”

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The only constant in my life are the accidental screenshots of my lock screen.

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I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a sabbatical was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”