47 funny married quotes - Wordgag ツ

Settling down and getting married so I can finally meet the au pair of my dreams.

Mar 13, 2026Mar 13, 2026

If you break up with the same person enough times, you eventually get married. Never give up.

Feb 3, 2026

The best part about being married is having a permanent person to debrief with immediately after any social event.

Feb 3, 2026

Forget cheating, that’s young people’s shit. I’m ready to get married and have an affair.

Feb 3, 2026

There is literally no rule that says you have to get married and start a family. Normalize splitting a mansion with your five best friends and ten dogs.

Feb 2, 2026

When I get married, I want my wedding video to be filmed like it’s an episode of The Office. I want camera zooms, eye contact, side commentary— all of it.

Feb 2, 2026

“I’ll run it by the boss” is one of the peak boomerisms you can say as a married man. It feels electric.

Feb 2, 2026

Why is everyone’s main goal to get married and have kids? Like, don’t you guys want to do drugs in foreign countries?

Feb 2, 2026

Our parents are going to be shocked when they find out that most of us are serious about not getting married.

Feb 2, 2026

After you’ve been married a long time, you become able to communicate nonverbally. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s why we never speak.

Feb 2, 2026

Unpopular opinion: a honeymoon is more needed 5 to 10 years down the road, versus right after getting married.

Feb 1, 2026

Everyone is getting pregnant or married, and I’m back to “What’s your favorite color?“

Feb 1, 2026

Why would I get married when it’s a well-known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

Feb 1, 2026

I can’t wait to get married so I can bring home unnecessary stuff and get yelled at for it.

Jan 31, 2026

My best friend is married and buying a house. I ate popcorn for dinner.

Jan 31, 2026

When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.

Jan 30, 2026

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

Jan 30, 2026

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example, I learned I should have married someone else.

Jan 30, 2026

Why do people think it’s ok to ask why a person is single? I don’t ask why you’re unhappily married.

Jan 30, 2026

Dating is so overrated. Let’s just get married.

Jan 29, 2026

Misses Claus only married Santa because of his big sack.

Jan 29, 2026

No one my age is single because they’re all unhappily married.

Jan 29, 2026

You don’t scare me, I was married once.

Jan 29, 2026

The plan was simple: finish school, find a job and get married at 25. But now I don’t understand anything anymore.

Jan 29, 2026

Once married, the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket.

Jan 23, 2026

Getting married soon. Just need a spouse.

Jan 22, 2026

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are.

Jan 22, 2026

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

Jan 22, 2026

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast, it had to be done by Elvis.

Jan 22, 2026

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Jan 22, 2026

Biblical loophole: It’s not premarital sex if you never intend to get married.

Jan 22, 2026

Do married people watch Gen Z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam?

Jan 22, 2026

If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating food, not from relationships.

Jan 21, 2026

Do you also watch porn until the end to see if they end up getting married?

Jan 21, 2026

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

Jan 21, 2026

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

Jan 21, 2026

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married.

Jan 20, 2026

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

Jan 20, 2026

Being married means mostly shouting “What?” from other rooms.

Jan 20, 2026

Married life: Telling your partner the same sentence 7 days in a row, only for him to say, “You definitely never told me that!”

Jan 19, 2026