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The first 120 hours after the weekend are always the worst.

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Setting up a camera to go and pretend you just woke up from bed is another level of mental illness.

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God, please โ€” if you donโ€™t want someone to love me, at least make me a millionaire.

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Being able to tolerate the sound of your own voice in a video is probably the highest form of self-acceptance.

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In case no one told you today. Iโ€™m beautiful.

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Ping me if your boobs glow in the dark.

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On Twitter, you will always find someone who is tweeting your thoughts but with better grammar.

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I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

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Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.

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Everybody looks like a criminal on the self-checkout camera.

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Having little kids is great because I love spending hundreds of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can.

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundreds of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can.

Commentary:
"Parenting tip: Want to lose weight? Just have kids. You'll skip the gym and burn calories chasing after food scraps and discarded snacks all day! ๐Ÿƒโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿ’ธ๐Ÿ—‘๏ธ #ParentingStruggles #FloorFoodies"



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