Having little kids is great because I love spending hundreds of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can.

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Nothing says “not interested” quite like a Restraining Order.

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People who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day.

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Architects should try and design a house with no yelling.

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If I ever go missing, promise me that you won’t put my weight on the poster.

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The most surprising part of adulthood is parenting your parents.

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You’ll never realize how crazy you really are until you fall in love.

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My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

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If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

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My New Year’s resolution will be to stop chasing waterfalls, and stick to the rivers and the lakes that I’m used to.

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Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?