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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇮🇱 has bookmarked:

Marriage is just asking each other, “What do you want to do for dinner?” and then replying, “No, not that,” until death do us part.

Someone from 🇧🇮 has downloaded:

If a woman says “Do what you want!”, then for God’s sake don’t do what you want!

Someone from 🇭🇳 has downloaded:

I wait all week for the weekend just to aggressively do nothing in five different outfits.

Someone from 🇲🇩 has copied:

My theory is that women’s voices contain frequencies that men simply can’t hear.

Someone from 🇷🇸 has copied:

If the only person you’re competing with is yourself, how could you lose?

Someone from 🇱🇦 has shared:

My favorite machine at the gym is the one where you put change in, and snacks come out.

Someone from 🇨🇷 has shared:

I’ve reached the age where I would rather go to a hardware store than a club.

Someone from 🇨🇺 has shared:

lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud.

Someone from 🇮🇱 has downloaded:

What do you even say when someone knocks on your bathroom stall … like, what’s the protocol?

Someone from 🇶🇦 has bookmarked:

Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just water.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,445

Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on LinkedIn:

Did you ever buy a pack of underwear, take them out, and think, wow, these are huge… then try them on, and they fit perfectly?

Freshly posted on Discord:

Obituaries should have clickbait titles.

Live now on Snapchat:

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

Broadcasted on Instagram:

Making friends as an adult is wild because there’s so much lore to catch up on. You’ll be 3 years in and still get random drops like, ‘Oh, by the way, I used to be married.’

Going viral on Facebook:

I’m not gonna have a bad day. The day is gonna have a bad me.

Trending via Twitch:

You don’t scare me. You’re not a parking garage that I can’t figure out how to get out of.

Just shared via YouTube:

I have tasted academic validation. I have tasted romantic love. I recommend getting a hobby.

Trending via WeChat:

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

Shared recently on WhatsApp:

Tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert, I kinda regret getting them.

Going bananas on X:

Don’t be alarmed at my semicolon usage; I’m a professional.

I smoke weed for my mental health and your personal safety.

1 week ago

Funny Quotes

Humorous quote about mental health and safety with playful, witty words.

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Commentary:
"Keeping the peace one puff at a time! 🌿😌✌️ #SafetyFirst"

health, humor, i, mental, mental health, personal, personal safety, recreational, relief, safety, smoke, stress, stress relief, weed

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59 shares on Twitch this month:

If lying was a job some people would be billionaires.

58 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do.

80 shares on TikTok this month:

My favorite sex position is any of them. I’m just glad to be involved.

32 shares on Threads this month:

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online, it’s not that I lied; it’s just that I failed.

46 shares on TikTok this month:

The belief that software engineers are uniquely intelligent has done unimaginable damage on society.

87 shares on Instagram this month:

Imagine going to see a situationship in 1868, and you go outside, and your horse is dead as hell.

67 shares on Facebook this month:

I just think we should kiss. And kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss. But that’s just me.

67 shares on X this month:

I hope this email kills us both.

97 shares on WhatsApp this month:

It’s Friday. Rules don’t apply.

86 shares on LinkedIn this month:

A woman’s G-spot can be found at the end of the word shopping.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇵🇬 has viewed:

The easiest way to shop with kids is not to.

Someone from 🇪🇪 has copied:

My bra isn’t just padded — it’s also filled with cookie and chip crumbs.

Someone from 🇨🇫 has shared:

Nothing humbles you faster than rereading something you were proud of yesterday.

Someone from 🇳🇱 has downloaded:

Patience is for beginners. I’d rather freak out straight away!

Someone from 🇻🇺 has bookmarked:

Due to foreseen circumstances well within my control I will be late.

Someone from 🇸🇾 has bookmarked:

A couple of years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Today, the real world is an escape from the internet.

Someone from 🇱🇮 has viewed:

“It’s been a long week!” Me, on a Tuesday.

Someone from 🇸🇳 has copied:

Death doesn’t scare me, but a group of dogs fighting while I’m walking alone on the street does.

Someone from 🇱🇦 has copied:

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this,” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already.

Someone from 🇾🇪 has bookmarked:

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on Discord:

They should let me go inside everyones house just to see.

Breaking via YouTube:

My husband needs a hearing aid, but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

Just landed via Threads:

Since I’ve stayed away from most people, I get on much better with people.

Making waves on Slack:

If you like Christmas so much, why don’t you merry it?

Making waves on WhatsApp:

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

Trending via Discord:

Hey, we’re calling off the search party. We found a different guy out there we like more.

Shared recently on Reddit:

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse.

Just landed via Messenger:

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on two pieces of wood, sliding downhill in a piece of wood. All amazing.

Breaking via Messenger:

Spending 5 minutes looking up every word I want to use in a sentence to make sure I can define it in case they ask.

Breaking via Telegram:

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer stuff.

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Activity Log ✨

I smoke weed for my mental health and your personal safety.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but that much caffeine can’t be good for you.

Just got chills imagining what Tom and Jerry could accomplish if they just worked together for once.

Don’t blame the holidays, you were already overweight in August.

Another day of meaningless suffering. Let’s see what awaits us tomorrow.

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on TikTok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

I smoke weed for my mental health and your personal safety.

Keep the laugh going 😂

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but that much caffeine can’t be good for you.

Just got chills imagining what Tom and Jerry could accomplish if they just worked together for once.

Don’t blame the holidays, you were already overweight in August.

Another day of meaningless suffering. Let’s see what awaits us tomorrow.

The tarot lady on my TikTok said that you miss me.

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on TikTok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

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