My boss was like, “People working from home are just pretending to work,” and it’s like, dude, what do you think I’m doing in the office?

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They should make a movie that’s good the whole way through.

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She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

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I SAID YES!!!!!! after I asked myself if I wanted a breakfast burrito.

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Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

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If I had a bf, I’d be a gf.

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Do people who do triathlons know that they don’t have to?

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One of the voices in my head brought up an excellent point, so obviously he had to go.