275 funny home quotes - Wordgag

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

May 23, 2026

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

May 23, 2026

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

May 23, 2026

My life changed when I learned some house spiders can’t survive outside, so now I just catch them and release them in a friend’s home.

May 23, 2026

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

May 23, 2026

Introverts be like “I know a place”, then go home.

May 23, 2026

The best thing about work is the coffee machine and the drive home.

May 23, 2026

When the doorbell rings, I always go to the door with my jacket on. Depending on who it is, I either just want to leave or have just come home.

May 23, 2026

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy: Go shopping and leave them at home with their dad.

May 23, 2026

Get a Ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

May 23, 2026

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

May 23, 2026

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

May 23, 2026

Nothing is impossible, except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

May 23, 2026

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.

May 23, 2026

I bought a book on Feng Shui, but I don’t know where to put it.

May 23, 2026

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about a boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten.

May 23, 2026

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

May 23, 2026

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes, but what about the ones who don’t have cars?

May 23, 2026

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

May 23, 2026

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home.

May 23, 2026

Never vacuuming so I don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome.

May 23, 2026

American Feng Shui is when the grill doesn’t wobble.

May 23, 2026

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

May 23, 2026

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

May 23, 2026

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home.

May 23, 2026

Welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh

May 22, 2026

“Date” is just another word for: Jeez, had I known that before, I would have stayed home.

May 22, 2026

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

May 22, 2026

The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look.

May 22, 2026

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

May 22, 2026

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

May 22, 2026

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”. Apparently, the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

May 22, 2026

I drive home so quick after work like I’m late for the house.

May 22, 2026

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone. Never!

May 22, 2026

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”.

May 22, 2026

Petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

May 22, 2026

Note to self: No more bitching about ugly furniture with people at IKEA whose home you haven’t been to yet.

May 22, 2026

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

May 22, 2026

I have now spread out a blue tarpaulin in the garden. I want it to look like I have a pool on Google Maps.

May 22, 2026

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

May 22, 2026