Pretty sure the guy in front of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

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Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house.

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How many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results?

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The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes and was performed by the child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo.

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Don’t ask me why, but the older you get, the more you love coffee.

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Google AI is awesome because it kills the planet and doesn’t work.

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Judging by the hair on my couch, I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

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One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.

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“What’s love?” Grandma sliding money into my hand like a drug dealer. Yeah, man, that’s love.

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It’s almost time to pack away the black summer clothes and unpack the black winter clothes.

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Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.