The number of times I stand in a room, staring because I forgot why I walked in there, is embarrassingly high.

76 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Honestly, I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

35 shares on Telegram this month:

McDonald’s will “anything else” you to death. Can you wait a McMinute?

90 shares on Instagram this month:

I love diss tracks because it’s basically two dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

41 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

87 shares on Facebook this month:

The idea that the zombies in the 28 Days series exist entirely in Britain is genuinely hilarious. The rest of the world saw that and was like, “Yeah, they can handle it on their own.”

64 shares on Facebook this month:

My toxic trait is destroying my room every time I get dressed.

55 shares on WeChat this month:

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

61 shares on Facebook this month:

I’m shocked it offended you, I was certain someone was gonna need to explain it to you.

81 shares on Snapchat this month:

It’d be nice if my bank account filled up as quickly as my laundry basket.

55 shares on Twitch this month:

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me.