38 funny stand quotes - Wordgag

I hate interviewing. Just hire me. I stand on business, for real.

May 29, 2026

My dad told my sister’s new boyfriend to stand at the end of the picture so he can crop him out whenever she dumps him.

May 29, 2026

I have to stand in the shower about this.

May 28, 2026

Can’t stand when I’m determined to see something in a negative light, and somebody offers a different, healthier perspective. I already made up my mind to be upset. Don’t be rude.

May 28, 2026

A perfect metaphor for my life would be “Someone trying to stand up in a hammock.”

May 27, 2026

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

May 27, 2026

Sometimes I just stand in the sun and stare at nothing, like a dog.

May 27, 2026

Every time I stand up, my dog gets excited as hell. He understands that I’m a real man who can make shit happen at any given moment.

May 27, 2026

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

May 27, 2026

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly, planning my escape.

May 27, 2026

The number of times I stand in a room, staring because I forgot why I walked in there, is embarrassingly high.

May 27, 2026

It’s so hot, ice bears are opening lemonade stands.

May 26, 2026

I can’t stand people who require so much validation. Please like and share this if you agree.

May 26, 2026

The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one-night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

May 26, 2026

That awkward shopping moment when someone is standing in front of the items you need and you pretend you’re shopping for something else because they just won’t budge.

May 25, 2026

Can’t stand British posts on my timeline. “I bought this for four squids and a halfpenny!” What the hell are you talking about?

May 25, 2026

Most people prefer lies. The truth just hits them like a WiFi outage, and then they just stand there, confused and buffering.

May 25, 2026

I can’t stand when people need constant validation online. Like, comment, and retweet if you agree.

May 25, 2026

I can’t stand when people need constant validation online. Like, comment, and share if you agree.

May 25, 2026

Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.

May 24, 2026

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering.

May 23, 2026

Many years ago, I stood up to 100-200 million others only to sit in meetings now.

May 23, 2026

“Stand up for yourself!” Girl, I have low iron.

May 23, 2026

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

May 23, 2026

It sucks when you have to stand on an escalator for 30 minutes because of a power cut.

May 23, 2026

One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?

May 23, 2026

If you can stand me, you deserve me!

May 22, 2026

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend.

May 22, 2026

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.” I’m like, look, we had one night of drunken shopping, we are not in a relationship.

May 22, 2026

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

May 22, 2026

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

May 22, 2026

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea, or whatever Savage Garden was on about.

May 21, 2026

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected.

May 21, 2026

Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.

May 20, 2026

Liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it.

May 20, 2026

I don’t really do one-night stands, but I will do, like, 3-8 months of a semi-toxic, undefined relationship that wastes my time and ruins my life.

May 19, 2026

The brand name Oral B is so funny to me. WTF does the B stand for?

May 19, 2026

I can show you the stars, we just have to stand up really fast.

Apr 1, 2026