When someone loses something, I like to ask helpful questions like ‘Where did you last see it?’ and ‘Where did you put it?’ and ‘Where is it?’

52 shares on YouTube this month:

I let my girl wear whatever because you’re staring, and I’m hittin’ that.

37 shares on Snapchat this month:

Some people believe the appendix is a vestigial organ, that its use has long since passed. I think it’s primordial. Its use has yet to come.

20 shares on Telegram this month:

Nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple.

13 shares on Instagram this month:

Appliances always know when you’re getting a tax refund.

59 shares on Pinterest this month:

Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?

93 shares on Slack this month:

Whenever I see an athlete eating quark, I get sad, because the quark could have been turned into cheesecake.

12 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Tomorrow isn’t promised, so make sure you tell bad people they’re bad.

94 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I think we just need to accept that the 90’s was our peak as a species.

74 shares on Pinterest this month:

I didn’t forget about you; my algorithm did.

52 shares on Messenger this month:

Twitter is like talking to yourself in public and some random dude walking by agrees with you.