You ever have one of those days that require the use of both of your middle fingers?

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The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college. The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

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I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects.

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You can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar.

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Forgot how fun it is to post IG stories. I feel like a female filmmaker.

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When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

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January 1st: anything is possible. January 2nd: but not today.

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How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank? Do you just call them and say you can’t come?

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Do you all introverts ever open a text and think, ‘I’ll reply when I have the energy,’ and then it’s three weeks, and you have to live with the guilt of being a horrible friend.

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“I could see myself living here,” I said, in a different city for more than 24 hours.

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Not enough rap songs about stores suddenly changing their layout.