Twitter is the only place where well-articulated sentences still get misinterpreted. You can say “I like pancakes,” and somebody will say, “So you hate waffles?”

Someone from 🇵🇹 has bookmarked:

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

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Alexa, mute my children.

Someone from 🇰🇲 has bookmarked:

Rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him.

Someone from 🇦🇷 has downloaded:

My kid asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

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This meeting could have been a painting in a museum of boredom.

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She’s got style, she’s got grace, she crams french fries in her face.

Someone from 🇪🇷 has downloaded:

I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad.

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People should be allowed to leave work early if they want to go see a movie.

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I need a job where I don’t actually have to work.

Someone from 🇺🇬 has bookmarked:

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.