After I drink coffee, I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

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The problem is that you are in the dating pool when the other fish are in the ocean.

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Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus.

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Adulthood means trying to convince yourself that the font is just too small and that it isn’t your eyesight going bad.

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I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair.

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Turns out “YouTube rabbit hole” is not a reliable science degree.

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Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

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“AI is coming for your job.” Yeah, I’d like to see AI drink 11 coffees, then have a panic attack.

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Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought a couple days ago have ripened.

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The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

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If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”, you’re gonna have a bad time.