So I got a call from a telemarketer, and he said he couldn’t understand me. I told him, “Press 1 for English.”

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I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar, my wife is right behind me.

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“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

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If a door closes, you can just open it again. That is a door. Doors work like this.

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Can’t. Too busy saving daylight.

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Tried Adderall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing.

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The new generation will never know what heartbreak feels like with wired headphones that have a loose connection.

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I deal with my personal problems the same way I study for tests, I don’t.