Commentary:
Plot twist: I turned public transport into a crime scene investigation! 🔍🚂📚🤣
98 Funny told quotes
Said good morning to my coworker at 6 a.m., and he told me to calm down.
Commentary:
When your excitement level is at "coffee IV drip" but everyone else is still on "snooze button" mode 😂☕😴
Adults having breakfast at a friend’s apartment before heading off to work is the biggest lie television ever told anyone.
Commentary:
"When I try breakfast at a friend's place, it turns into brunch-slash-my-new-job-hunt because we're both late 😅🥓⏰"
My husband told me that he used my sock trick on a recent trip, so he wouldn’t lose any. Reader, my “sock trick” is rolling matching pairs together.
Commentary:
So your husband cracked the mysterious 'sock code'? Next he'll invent the wheel! 🧦🔄😂
I told my computer I needed a break, now it sends me reminders to stretch while I’m lying on the couch.
Commentary:
Looks like my computer is the only thing getting its steps in today! 🖥️🤸♂️🛋️
Had to sit with a straight face while my landlord told me I was paying his rent and mortgage for him.
Commentary:
When your rental home turns into a Monopoly board and you’re the one paying the premium on every square 🔄🏠💸🤣
Just told my cat I’d give her 500 bucks to stop meowing.
Commentary:
Well, looks like I need a loan because my cat just hired a lawyer 😂🐱💸
My kids asked me what games I used to play on my iPad as a kid. I told them I used to speak into a fan to sound like a robot.
Commentary:
I used to win every game of "blow-the-fan-away" with my expert robot voice skills! 🤖🌀😂
I was explaining to my Ukrainian colleague the phrase ‘There’s no such thing as a free lunch’. She told me the equivalent in Ukrainian is ‘The only free cheese is in the mousetrap’ — which is so much better.
Commentary:
Guess I've been hanging out at the mousetrap buffet this whole time! 🧀😂🐭
Once I matched with a guy and ended up finding out he lived in my neighborhood, so I told him to go outside and scream, and he did. And I heard it.
Commentary:
That’s one way to find out who’s truly committed to the match! 📣😂 #LocalLove