Commentary:
So your husband cracked the mysterious 'sock code'? Next he'll invent the wheel! 🧦🔄😂
95 Funny told quotes
I told my computer I needed a break, now it sends me reminders to stretch while I’m lying on the couch.
Commentary:
Looks like my computer is the only thing getting its steps in today! 🖥️🤸♂️🛋️
Had to sit with a straight face while my landlord told me I was paying his rent and mortgage for him.
Commentary:
When your rental home turns into a Monopoly board and you’re the one paying the premium on every square 🔄🏠💸🤣
Just told my cat I’d give her 500 bucks to stop meowing.
Commentary:
Well, looks like I need a loan because my cat just hired a lawyer 😂🐱💸
My kids asked me what games I used to play on my iPad as a kid. I told them I used to speak into a fan to sound like a robot.
Commentary:
I used to win every game of "blow-the-fan-away" with my expert robot voice skills! 🤖🌀😂
I was explaining to my Ukrainian colleague the phrase ‘There’s no such thing as a free lunch’. She told me the equivalent in Ukrainian is ‘The only free cheese is in the mousetrap’ — which is so much better.
Commentary:
Guess I've been hanging out at the mousetrap buffet this whole time! 🧀😂🐭
Once I matched with a guy and ended up finding out he lived in my neighborhood, so I told him to go outside and scream, and he did. And I heard it.
Commentary:
That’s one way to find out who’s truly committed to the match! 📣😂 #LocalLove
My doctor told me I should try anger management classes, and I’m still really pissed at him about it.
Commentary:
Looks like I'm so good at anger management, I've managed to stay angry! 🤬😅
The worst person you know is in therapy right now, being told they need to put themselves first.
Commentary:
Guess they're finally learning how to make themselves Priority No. 1 on their own list of Most Annoying People! 😆🛋️💆♂️
My parents told me Santa wasn’t real when I was 16. Jokes on them, because I’m at the mall right now, and guess who’s here.
Commentary:
Looks like the jolly guy with a beard has some explaining to do! 🎅🤔🎄