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Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New funny quotes: 8235 this month

15,818 funny quotes and pics

17,813 funny quotes topics

Updated: May 24, 2026

 

 

 

 

95 Funny told quotes

Funny told quotes have a magical way of turning any frown upside down 😂. These witty one-liners and clever quips are perfect for adding a sprinkle of humor to your day 🌟. Whether you’re looking to lighten the mood or simply want a good laugh, these quotes will have you chuckling in no time 😄. Dive in and discover a world where words dance joyfully with laughter 🎉!

I told the trees what you did. Be wary when you enter the forest next.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”: “This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

Posted onMay 23, 2026

I told myself I’d behave today. Then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken. So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too… when I was alive.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

The magician told me to “Pick a card! Any card!” So I took his Visa.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

If I was ever told to “dress to impress”, my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

“We told you to stop at 2012!” – The Mayans

Posted onMay 22, 2026

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever, I’d probably give it my best shot.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin, so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns, so obviously I’m dying.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost, and that shut the conversation down pretty quick.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself, so if y’all don’t hear from me later, she probably folded me like an omelet.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

People drive you insane and then say “see, I told you that you’re insane.”

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Made the mistake of believing what I was told again.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Married life: Telling your partner the same sentence 7 days in a row, only for him to say, “You definitely never told me that!”

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I remember when my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? And I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Had an interview today, and my belly rumbled. The lady goes, “Missed lunch?” I told her, “Nah, I’m hungry for success!”

Posted onMay 19, 2026

You can’t stop me. My tampon wrapper told me I was bold and brilliant.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

Told my girlfriend that Mum is deaf, so speak loud and slow. Also told Mum that my girlfriend has special needs.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

Honestly, will never top the year I told everyone I was going to be Amelia Earhart for Halloween, and then didn’t show up to the party.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

Not a gold digger, but the other night a woman told me her grandpa owns a Christmas tree farm. That shit had me rubbing my hands like a fly.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

I actually do check to see if you told me happy birthday before I tell you.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

My husband told me that he used my sock trick on a recent trip, so he wouldn’t lose any. Reader, my “sock trick” is rolling matching pairs together.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

I told my computer I needed a break, now it sends me reminders to stretch while I’m lying on the couch.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

Had to sit with a straight face while my landlord told me I was paying his rent and mortgage for him.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

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