95 funny told quotes - Wordgag

I told the trees what you did. Be wary when you enter the forest next.

May 24, 2026

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”: “This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

May 23, 2026

I told myself I’d behave today. Then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow.

May 23, 2026

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.

May 23, 2026

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

May 23, 2026

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken. So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream.

May 23, 2026

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too… when I was alive.

May 23, 2026

The magician told me to “Pick a card! Any card!” So I took his Visa.

May 23, 2026

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

May 22, 2026

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

May 22, 2026

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable.

May 22, 2026

If I was ever told to “dress to impress”, my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out.

May 22, 2026

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

May 22, 2026

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

May 22, 2026

“We told you to stop at 2012!” – The Mayans

May 22, 2026

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

May 22, 2026

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

May 22, 2026

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

May 22, 2026

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

May 22, 2026

Not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever, I’d probably give it my best shot.

May 22, 2026

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

May 22, 2026

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

May 22, 2026

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin, so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

May 22, 2026

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea.

May 22, 2026

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns, so obviously I’m dying.

May 21, 2026

Massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost, and that shut the conversation down pretty quick.

May 21, 2026

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself, so if y’all don’t hear from me later, she probably folded me like an omelet.

May 21, 2026

People drive you insane and then say “see, I told you that you’re insane.”

May 21, 2026

Made the mistake of believing what I was told again.

May 20, 2026

Married life: Telling your partner the same sentence 7 days in a row, only for him to say, “You definitely never told me that!”

May 20, 2026

I remember when my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? And I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people.

May 20, 2026

Had an interview today, and my belly rumbled. The lady goes, “Missed lunch?” I told her, “Nah, I’m hungry for success!”

May 19, 2026

You can’t stop me. My tampon wrapper told me I was bold and brilliant.

May 19, 2026

Told my girlfriend that Mum is deaf, so speak loud and slow. Also told Mum that my girlfriend has special needs.

May 19, 2026

Honestly, will never top the year I told everyone I was going to be Amelia Earhart for Halloween, and then didn’t show up to the party.

May 19, 2026

Not a gold digger, but the other night a woman told me her grandpa owns a Christmas tree farm. That shit had me rubbing my hands like a fly.

May 19, 2026

I actually do check to see if you told me happy birthday before I tell you.

May 19, 2026

My husband told me that he used my sock trick on a recent trip, so he wouldn’t lose any. Reader, my “sock trick” is rolling matching pairs together.

May 19, 2026

I told my computer I needed a break, now it sends me reminders to stretch while I’m lying on the couch.

May 19, 2026

Had to sit with a straight face while my landlord told me I was paying his rent and mortgage for him.

May 19, 2026