I was feeling kinda lonely this morning so I glued a coffee cup to the top of my car so people would wave at me.

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I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans. I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

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Some 100 private jets will fly to Venice for Jeff Bezos’ wedding, and I recycle yoghurt cup lids.

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I’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns.

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All of my problems boil down to me being bad at being alive.

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The smarter you are, the more important it is for you to figure out how to think less.

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Bruschetta is 80% delicious and 20% mess.

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Rise and grind your teeth gently while ruminating over every past mistake.

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If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

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Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

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Nobody is meaner to me than me. So take your shot.