If you ever feel like a failure, just remember, Domino’s tried to open pizza chains in Italy.

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Inside you, there are two wolves. Kevin Costner is dancing with both of them. I don’t know how this works.

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Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

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My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

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Raising a teenager is like nailing pudding to the wall.

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I need a reasonable job. Something like $3,000 an hour. Nothing too wild.

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The only thing I know about AI is, it desperately wants us to have more fingers.

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My immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter.