83 funny open quotes - Wordgag

When you’re a parent, your skincare routine is just the steam from the dishwasher when you open it to find the coffee cup you just needed.

May 30, 2026

“I’ve never done parkour, but I have chased a toddler with an open Sharpie through the house.”

May 30, 2026

“I’m great at saving money, as long as I don’t go anywhere, see anyone, or open my eyes.”

May 30, 2026

“God has a plan for you.” OK, is God open to a little feedback?

May 30, 2026

If I worked for UPS, there would be a 100% chance I’m falling out that open door when I turn a corner too fast.

May 30, 2026

I can’t wait to open my phone tomorrow and find out what we’re mad about next.

May 30, 2026

If you ever feel like a failure, just remember, Domino’s tried to open pizza chains in Italy.

May 30, 2026

And to my children, I leave 127 open tabs on Safari.

May 30, 2026

If a door closes, I’m just going to open it again.

May 30, 2026

If I open a restaurant, there won’t be a menu. You will get what you deserve.

May 29, 2026

No open job postings for “Warrior Poet” found in your area. Please try another search.

May 29, 2026

Like an advent calendar, you make me want to open up more every day.

May 29, 2026

If I had a tiny girlfriend, I would love to throw her across gaps so she can pull levers and open doors that get me to her part of the level.

May 29, 2026

The best part of having a failing memory is that you can wrap up presents for yourself, and when it comes time to open them, you are honestly surprised.

May 29, 2026

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

May 29, 2026

SHEIN does entirely too much on their app. Feels like a freaking casino every time you open it.

May 29, 2026

I hate the person I become when I try to open a package using the ‘Tear Here’ notch, and it stays sealed.

May 28, 2026

How do I get one of those fake corporate jobs where I work remotely, get paid for responding to one email a day, and have a laptop on with Outlook or whatever open?

May 28, 2026

Parenting a teenager is surreal because you’ll be sitting there, and some dude who is much taller than you will walk around the corner and ask you how to open a popcorn bag.

May 28, 2026

It’s crazy how genuinely entertaining it is to stare into an open fire. That’s some real epigenetic memory shit.

May 28, 2026

Do you all introverts ever open a text and think, ‘I’ll reply when I have the energy,’ and then it’s three weeks, and you have to live with the guilt of being a horrible friend.

May 28, 2026

Girls ask for help to open a jar, but can throw a couch during an argument.

May 28, 2026

The feminine urge to open a coffee shop that’s also a library, a bakery, and a flower shop.

May 28, 2026

Automatic doors that don’t open fast enough make me look dumb.

May 27, 2026

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag.

May 27, 2026

You don’t know about stupidity until your female friends open up about their love life.

May 27, 2026

British people never go downstairs; they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins.

May 27, 2026

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun not to be able to open that drawer.

May 27, 2026

Thanks for leaving my door open; I was running low on houseflies.

May 27, 2026

I have browser tabs open that are older than you.

May 27, 2026

My love life feels like when you finally spot an open space in a full parking lot — and then boom, it’s a motorcycle.

May 26, 2026

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently, I’ve got too many windows open.

May 25, 2026

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding, but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

May 25, 2026

Not a religious man but I do say a short prayer whenever I open a gas station restroom door.

May 25, 2026

I have a drawer in my kitchen that I can’t open anymore because of that one time I decided to put a spatula in it.

May 25, 2026

Does anyone else feel like their brain has a hundred tabs open at once?

May 25, 2026

If you’re looking for a quiet place to talk to yourself, my DMs are open.

May 25, 2026

My bad if I ever left you on read. I didn’t mean to open the message.

May 25, 2026

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

May 25, 2026

Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.

May 24, 2026