“I’m pretty good with money unless I leave my house or have access to the internet.”

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Good morning to everyone except the baristas who don’t tighten the lid.

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My favorite part of adulting is borrowing money from myself and paying myself back.

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Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

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My New Year’s resolution is to procrastinate. I’Il start tomorrow.

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You should be allowed to leave work early if you miss your wife enough.

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My brain at 2 a.m.: “You up?”

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My toxic trait is that I expect people to have common sense, and I get mad when they don’t.