Just drafted the drunk text I’m going to send after one drink this weekend.

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Dating scene and the job market are the same right now, just stay where you are.

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Not going is the new leaving early.

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Being an adult is a little out of my price range right now.

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If she says “it’s fine,” you’re probably in trouble.

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People in their late 20s and early 30s are like “this is my emotional support trip to Japan.”

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Maybe her DMs haven’t been working for 2 months.

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Play your cards right and we could be wearing matching fanny packs this summer.

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The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and is afraid of balloons.

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I bet doom scroll meant something way cooler in the middle ages.

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Life is just a vicious cycle of needing to go to the grocery store.