81 funny alcohol quotes - Wordgag

Like a fine bourbon, we get better with age. Or, at least, … we feel better about our age after drinking lots of bourbon!

May 30, 2026

Apple juice tastes like it wants to be alcohol, but it’s too shy.

May 30, 2026

Drugs and alcohol take years off your life and give them to Keith Richards.

May 30, 2026

What does international law say about a third Margarita?

May 29, 2026

It’s funny how drinking 8 cups of water a day seems impossible, but 7 beers and 5 shots in two hours go down like a fat kid on a seesaw.

May 29, 2026

It’s crazy how drinking poison makes you feel like shit the next day.

May 29, 2026

Don’t blame the alcohol. You were an idiot before you started drinking.

May 29, 2026

If alcohol was the one that was banned instead of weed, then a lot of people would have had memories of hungry, stoned fathers instead of angry, drunk ones.

May 28, 2026

The thing I can’t get over about Love Island is they’re only allowed 2 drinks a night, like they’re all just acting like that.

May 28, 2026

Cocktails can be tricky, because they taste like juice, but then the next thing you know… you can’t walk.

May 28, 2026

And then the vodka whispered, “Say what you really think.”

May 28, 2026

Beer is Narcan for when you overdose on Microsoft Teams.

May 28, 2026

Imagine a refund on all the money you spent on alcohol.

May 28, 2026

Tequila won’t fix your life, but it’s worth a shot.

May 28, 2026

When you’re two beers in, and you realize she looks like God.

May 27, 2026

Have I made bad decisions when I was drunk? Sure. But have the sober ones been any better? Not really.

May 27, 2026

Roses are red. Blue got me thinking. I reckon it’s time for some excessive day drinking…

May 27, 2026

If alcohol damages your short-term memory, imagine what alcohol can do.

May 27, 2026

My family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.

May 27, 2026

Where do you see yourself five beers from now? What’s your five-beer plan?

May 27, 2026

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal, have you had any alcohol in the last 24 hours?

May 27, 2026

I don’t drink and drive, but some people drive me to drink.

May 27, 2026

Before I drink, I eat liver so the liquor won’t know which liver to attack.

May 27, 2026

Alcohol is a vicious cycle: regret, recovery, repeat.

May 27, 2026

Wine drunk doesn’t even make itself known. You’re just relaxed, and then, all of a sudden, you feel sexier.

May 26, 2026

I’m writing a book on the joys of drinking beer. So far I’ve been through a lot of drafts.

May 26, 2026

Everyone wants a drunk text until I’m doing it at noon.

May 26, 2026

Just drafted the drunk text I’m going to send after one drink this weekend.

May 26, 2026

I’m not drunk enough for this Teams meeting.

May 26, 2026

I don’t get how alcohol turns y’all evil. I just start giggling and get slutty.

May 26, 2026

Don’t drink to forget me, you’ll end up seeing me double.

May 26, 2026

Some things are better left unsaid, but people get drunk and say them anyway.

May 26, 2026

Potatoes make French fries, chips and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

May 26, 2026

I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.

May 25, 2026

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

May 25, 2026

Not to brag but I don’t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.

May 25, 2026

My youngest had a mandatory drugs and alcohol lecture today at school, and he still can’t mix a proper drink.

May 25, 2026

You don’t need fun to have alcohol.

May 25, 2026

Alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. But you’re not gonna like the performance.

May 25, 2026

I drink my coffee black because I like to save my calories for alcohol.

May 25, 2026