81 funny alcohol quotes - Wordgag

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking? I meant thinking. I definitely need to drink more.

May 21, 2026

My employer is totally caring. They pay so poorly that I can’t afford to have an alcohol or drug problem.

May 21, 2026

“What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently?” I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day.

May 21, 2026

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”. So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

May 21, 2026

As long as you’re still fishing fruit flies out of your drink, you’re not drunk.

May 21, 2026

You can tell me what you want, but alcohol and eye contact are a dangerous combination.

May 21, 2026

Got me some lemons now for the cold. I hope the tequila helps.

May 21, 2026

I would have loads of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

May 21, 2026

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

May 21, 2026

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

May 21, 2026

Three drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

May 21, 2026

Yes, liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

May 20, 2026

DUI stands for: don’t Uber, I got this.

May 20, 2026

Not to brag, but I don’t need alcohol to send texts I’ll regret.

May 20, 2026

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

May 20, 2026

I don’t need alcohol to make bad decisions.

May 20, 2026

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk.

May 20, 2026

My heart says, chocolate and wine, but my jeans say “Woman, are you kidding? Eat a salad!”

May 20, 2026

Explain it to me like I’m 5 drinks in.

May 19, 2026

Like a fine bourbon, we get better with age. Or, at least, … we feel better about our age after drinking lots of bourbon!

May 18, 2026

Apple juice tastes like it wants to be alcohol, but it’s too shy.

May 18, 2026

Drugs and alcohol take years off your life and give them to Keith Richards.

May 18, 2026

What does international law say about a third Margarita?

Apr 1, 2026

It’s funny how drinking 8 cups of water a day seems impossible, but 7 beers and 5 shots in two hours go down like a fat kid on a seesaw.

Apr 1, 2026

It’s crazy how drinking poison makes you feel like shit the next day.

Apr 1, 2026

Don’t blame the alcohol. You were an idiot before you started drinking.

Apr 1, 2026

If alcohol was the one that was banned instead of weed, then a lot of people would have had memories of hungry, stoned fathers instead of angry, drunk ones.

Mar 31, 2026

The thing I can’t get over about Love Island is they’re only allowed 2 drinks a night, like they’re all just acting like that.

Mar 31, 2026

Cocktails can be tricky, because they taste like juice, but then the next thing you know… you can’t walk.

Mar 31, 2026

And then the vodka whispered, “Say what you really think.”

Mar 31, 2026

Beer is Narcan for when you overdose on Microsoft Teams.

Mar 31, 2026

Imagine a refund on all the money you spent on alcohol.

Mar 31, 2026

Tequila won’t fix your life, but it’s worth a shot.

Mar 31, 2026

When you’re two beers in, and you realize she looks like God.

Mar 30, 2026

Have I made bad decisions when I was drunk? Sure. But have the sober ones been any better? Not really.

Mar 30, 2026

Roses are red. Blue got me thinking. I reckon it’s time for some excessive day drinking…

Mar 30, 2026

If alcohol damages your short-term memory, imagine what alcohol can do.

Mar 30, 2026

My family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.

Mar 30, 2026

Where do you see yourself five beers from now? What’s your five-beer plan?

Mar 30, 2026

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal, have you had any alcohol in the last 24 hours?

Mar 30, 2026