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Updated: May 21, 2026

 

 

 

 

129 Funny drinking quotes

Funny drinking quotes capture the moments when a little too much wine (or tequila) turns ordinary situations into comedy gold! 😂🍻 Whether it’s trying to remember what happened last night, debating if it’s too early for a cocktail, or simply enjoying the freedom of a drink with friends, these quotes remind us that drinking isn’t just about the beverages — it’s about the laughs that come with every sip. Cheers to that! 😆🥂🍸

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Drinking 3L of water daily helps you avoid other people’s drama because you’re too busy peeing. Stay hydrated.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I still make time for all my favorite hobbies, like drinking, swearing, and making people feel uncomfortable.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

For Thanksgiving don’t ask me about my life, just pass me the bottle.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Me drinking green tea: this is going to fix everything.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Spilling hot coffee on your lap wakes you up faster than drinking it.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Being drunk and liking every tweet without reading it.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Oh, gross. I didn’t know there was protein in this powder. I was only drinking it for the lead.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

We could have high-speed rail that connects the entire country, but instead we get AI porn bots that steal all of our drinking water to entertain the dumbest people alive.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Please make sure you are only drinking as much water as you REALLY need. We need that for the data centers. If you’re thirsty, AI is thirsty too.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

Girl, I’m bored. Let’s start drinking the daily recommended 10-15 cups of water.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

Explain it to me like I’m 5 drinks in.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

How late is too late to still be lying in bed, naked, drinking coffee?

Posted onMay 19, 2026

Age range on my dating app set to 40+. Y’all fighting over grapes while I’m drinking wine.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

Sober in a taxi: Please. Stop talking to me. Drunk in a taxi: … And that, Mick, is why I’m emotionally unavailable, I suppose.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

Sobriety: because my standards got tired of lowering themselves.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

Just remembered I can just get drunk after work instead of quitting. That was a close one.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

Why do they make the wine glass so large if you’re not supposed to fill it to the top?

Posted onMay 19, 2026

Like a fine bourbon, we get better with age. Or, at least, … we feel better about our age after drinking lots of bourbon!

Posted onMay 18, 2026

Handsome, you better get to the point, my beer buzz is starting to wear off.

Posted onMay 18, 2026

I be like, “I needed this,” and it’s just me getting drunk.

Posted onMay 18, 2026

Airport beer at 6 a.m.? No problem. The airport is a lawless place that is free from judgment.

Posted onMay 18, 2026

Dating apps aren’t working, time to start drinking beer and eating hot dogs along the first base line at a baseball game.

Posted onMay 18, 2026

I won’t be doing Dry January, because who was there for me during the happy times and the hard times? Not broccoli.

Posted onMay 6, 2026

If you think Dry January is hard, wait until you try Abstinence August.

Posted onApr 1, 2026

Doing dry January, so I’ve had eleven Diet Cokes at this bar.

Posted onApr 1, 2026

Why would I put money where my mouth is when wine exists?

Posted onApr 1, 2026

Don’t really want to have 6-8 pints and a takeaway tonight, but it’s Friday and rules are rules.

Posted onApr 1, 2026

It’s funny how drinking 8 cups of water a day seems impossible, but 7 beers and 5 shots in two hours go down like a fat kid on a seesaw.

Posted onApr 1, 2026

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