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Updated: Jun 2, 2026

 

 

 

 

 

129 Funny drinking quotes

Funny drinking quotes capture the moments when a little too much wine (or tequila) turns ordinary situations into comedy gold! 😂🍻 Whether it’s trying to remember what happened last night, debating if it’s too early for a cocktail, or simply enjoying the freedom of a drink with friends, these quotes remind us that drinking isn’t just about the beverages — it’s about the laughs that come with every sip. Cheers to that! 😆🥂🍸

Sober in a taxi: Please. Stop talking to me. Drunk in a taxi: … And that, Mick, is why I’m emotionally unavailable, I suppose.

Posted onMay 30, 2026

Sobriety: because my standards got tired of lowering themselves.

Posted onMay 30, 2026

Just remembered I can just get drunk after work instead of quitting. That was a close one.

Posted onMay 30, 2026

Why do they make the wine glass so large if you’re not supposed to fill it to the top?

Posted onMay 30, 2026

Like a fine bourbon, we get better with age. Or, at least, … we feel better about our age after drinking lots of bourbon!

Posted onMay 30, 2026

Handsome, you better get to the point, my beer buzz is starting to wear off.

Posted onMay 30, 2026

I be like, “I needed this,” and it’s just me getting drunk.

Posted onMay 30, 2026

Airport beer at 6 a.m.? No problem. The airport is a lawless place that is free from judgment.

Posted onMay 30, 2026

Dating apps aren’t working, time to start drinking beer and eating hot dogs along the first base line at a baseball game.

Posted onMay 30, 2026

I won’t be doing Dry January, because who was there for me during the happy times and the hard times? Not broccoli.

Posted onMay 29, 2026

If you think Dry January is hard, wait until you try Abstinence August.

Posted onMay 29, 2026

Doing dry January, so I’ve had eleven Diet Cokes at this bar.

Posted onMay 29, 2026

Why would I put money where my mouth is when wine exists?

Posted onMay 29, 2026

Don’t really want to have 6-8 pints and a takeaway tonight, but it’s Friday and rules are rules.

Posted onMay 29, 2026

It’s funny how drinking 8 cups of water a day seems impossible, but 7 beers and 5 shots in two hours go down like a fat kid on a seesaw.

Posted onMay 29, 2026

It’s crazy how drinking poison makes you feel like shit the next day.

Posted onMay 29, 2026

If you ever wanted to know anything about me, just get me a bottle of wine, and you will, in fact, find out in about 10 minutes.

Posted onMay 29, 2026

Don’t blame the alcohol. You were an idiot before you started drinking.

Posted onMay 29, 2026

Better to be an overthinker than an overdrinker.

Posted onMay 29, 2026

The oceans are rising because no one is drinking their recommended 8-12 glasses of water per day.

Posted onMay 29, 2026

The most dangerous drinking game I play, is seeing how long I can go without coffee.

Posted onMay 29, 2026

At what point in not being able to sleep do I throw the towel in and have a beer, since maybe that will help?

Posted onMay 28, 2026

Drinking coffee because hitting people over the head with a shovel is frowned upon.

Posted onMay 28, 2026

Drinking a beer alone with terrible posture.

Posted onMay 28, 2026

Next time I feel butterflies, I’m chugging down a bottle of tequila so they drown.

Posted onMay 28, 2026

If I’m out drinking and “Push It” starts playing, take me home immediately.

Posted onMay 28, 2026

While the optimist and pessimist argued about the glass of water, the opportunist drank it.

Posted onMay 28, 2026

Drinking a couple of beers and then getting onto Red Dead Redemption, and just petting my horse and feeding it apples.

Posted onMay 28, 2026

And then the vodka whispered, “Say what you really think.”

Posted onMay 28, 2026

Is it okay for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school, or am I just a terrible teacher?

Posted onMay 28, 2026

I’m not an alcoholic, I only drink twice a year. When it’s sunny, and when it isn’t.

Posted onMay 28, 2026

Doctor advised me to stop drinking. This is going to be a big change for me. I was with that doctor for decades.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

Has anyone ever considered that Dr. Pepper could be a gynecologist?

Posted onMay 27, 2026

Roses are red. Blue got me thinking. I reckon it’s time for some excessive day drinking…

Posted onMay 27, 2026

If alcohol damages your short-term memory, imagine what alcohol can do.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

Where do you see yourself five beers from now? What’s your five-beer plan?

Posted onMay 27, 2026

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal, have you had any alcohol in the last 24 hours?

Posted onMay 27, 2026

I’m probably like this because I drank water from the hose.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

I don’t drink and drive, but some people drive me to drink.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

Before I drink, I eat liver so the liquor won’t know which liver to attack.

Posted onMay 27, 2026

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