1660 funny irony quotes - Page 39 - Wordgag ツ

If only my bank balance was as high as my daily calorie intake.

Jan 20, 2026

Nearly choked on a carrot. A donut would never do that to me.

Jan 20, 2026

Stranger: Your children are angels. Me: So was the devil.

Jan 20, 2026

Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?

Jan 20, 2026

Another fine day ruined by responsibilities.

Jan 20, 2026

Superwoman: Single. Batman: Single. Wonder Woman: Single. I get it now, I’m single because I’m a superhero.

Jan 20, 2026

Them: Money doesn’t bring happiness. Me: Pass the money over here, I like to be sad.

Jan 20, 2026

That awkward moment between birth and death.

Jan 20, 2026

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Jan 20, 2026

The web is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

Jan 20, 2026

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

Jan 20, 2026

Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.

Jan 20, 2026

When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment. Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

Jan 20, 2026

A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.

Jan 20, 2026

People always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected”, but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day.

Jan 20, 2026

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are.

Jan 20, 2026

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

Jan 20, 2026

Is everything expensive or am I just poor?

Jan 20, 2026

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping.

Jan 20, 2026

Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams.

Jan 20, 2026

I need a six-month vacation twice a year.

Jan 20, 2026

Whenever I have a headache, I take 2 aspirin and keep away from children, just like it says on the bottle.

Jan 20, 2026

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.

Jan 20, 2026

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

Jan 20, 2026

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Jan 20, 2026

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs.

Jan 20, 2026

“Well at least I don’t have to wake up any more.” Is what I want my tombstone to say.

Jan 20, 2026

As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I’m totally flexible.

Jan 20, 2026

If you ever feel useless, remember that there are bathrooms at pools.

Jan 20, 2026

Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent.

Jan 20, 2026

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

Jan 20, 2026

Spilling hot coffee on your lap wakes you up faster than drinking it.

Jan 20, 2026

This whole working for a living thing goes on for how long?

Jan 20, 2026

I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

Jan 20, 2026

By the time someone says, ‘To make a long story short,’ it’s too late.

Jan 20, 2026

When someone tells me “They could care less”, instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less”, I always say “At least you care.”

Jan 20, 2026

If it was really a smart phone, it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.

Jan 20, 2026

Horoscope: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

Jan 20, 2026

I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

Jan 20, 2026

If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.

Jan 20, 2026