Jane Austen gave us men who crossed fields in the rain. Mine left me on read, and liked someone else’s story.

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And for my next trick, I’m going to miss you in a million unspoken ways.

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Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

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My budget for this month is a smile, and I don’t know how long that will last.

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Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911.

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A delivery driver just asked for my date of birth. I said, “94.” He replied, “Is that 1994?” Oh, sorry mate, no. My bad, that was 1794. Right around the French Revolution.

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In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

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I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.