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Hey there, Delilah, we know you broke that dudeโ€™s heart.

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Let’s play a game called you bring me food and I eat it.

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The 5 seconds in the morning, when I don’t yet know who I am, is the best time of the day.

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I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

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Itโ€™s not a competition, but if it was I would win.

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That gap in my resume is from when I was lost at sea.

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My playlist so bipolar. We either in love, depressed, or gang members.

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They should invent a food that sounds good for dinner tonight.

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I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep everyone away, whatever their profession.

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Itโ€™s crazy that weโ€™re closer to the year 3000 then I am to finding love.

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My kids asked me what games I used to play on my iPad as a kid. I told them I used to speak into a fan to sound like a robot.

My kids asked me what games I used to play on my iPad as a kid. I told them I used to speak into a fan to sound like a robot.

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I used to win every game of "blow-the-fan-away" with my expert robot voice skills! ๐Ÿค–๐ŸŒ€๐Ÿ˜‚

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