32 funny speech quotes - Wordgag

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen”, I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”.

May 22, 2026

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are.

May 22, 2026

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine, not yours, so be quiet.

May 22, 2026

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

May 21, 2026

Panties is such a weird word. Panties. I can’t say it sexy.

May 21, 2026

I enjoy the freedom of speech, because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

May 20, 2026

Wish I came with subtitles because I mumble a lot.

May 20, 2026

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are.

May 20, 2026

Ever since I was little, I knew I wanted people to watch how they speak to me.

May 19, 2026

People without a sense of humor should not be allowed to decide what people with a sense of humor are allowed to laugh at.

May 19, 2026

Morning me just stripped the bedding. Evening me is going to be pissed.

May 19, 2026

Well, it took several decades, but I might have finally run out of things to say.

May 19, 2026

My kids asked me what games I used to play on my iPad as a kid. I told them I used to speak into a fan to sound like a robot.

May 18, 2026

Imagine the sarcasm they’d dish out if cats could speak.

May 18, 2026

Popping your head in the cockpit and saying, “Anywhere here will do, chief.

Apr 1, 2026

Are you gonna meow for me or what, bro?

Apr 1, 2026

Americans are funny, man. “It’s 72 degrees outside.” Bro, I don’t speak oven.

Apr 1, 2026

Accidentally said “normal” when they asked what milk I wanted at the leftist cafe.

Apr 1, 2026

You can fake an American accent all you want, but “literally” will expose you.

Mar 31, 2026

I’m going crazy, y’all. Coming with me?

Mar 31, 2026

If I say “with all due respect,” nothing respectful is about to come out of my mouth.

Mar 31, 2026

Every day is a D-Day, if you’re a stutterer.

Mar 31, 2026

We live in a time where intelligent people are being silenced, so that stupid people won’t be offended.

Mar 30, 2026

Hate it when my mouth says something my brain was trying to keep quiet.

Mar 30, 2026

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

Mar 30, 2026

I don’t usually think about what I say before I say it. I prefer to think about it after I’ve said it, late at night, for the rest of my life.

Mar 30, 2026

Heard a recording of my own voice, and now I can never speak again.

Mar 29, 2026

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if you talk on speakerphone in public, everyone around you hates you.

Mar 29, 2026

Sometimes I wish I had a speed bump between my brain and my mouth.

Mar 29, 2026

I love going “Streets are saying” before I say something I literally just made up.

Mar 29, 2026

His hands wouldn’t stop talking to me, your honor.

Mar 29, 2026

Sometimes I don’t have anything intelligent to say and sometimes I don’t let that stop me.

Mar 29, 2026