If McDonald’s sold hot dogs, would you be able to, with a straight face, order a McWiener and tell them to supersize it?

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Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?

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I don’t know why doctors only give stickers to kids? Like, hello, I was also brave today.

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Notifications are a reminder that you exist.

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Sorry I’m late, I was fighting for my right to party.

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My yoga instructor was drunk today. Put me in a very awkward position.

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Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

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Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse.

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You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

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Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.

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In honor of the last eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.