It’s a fabulous time to be alive if you love: verification codes, verifying your email, yelling ‘REAL PERSON’ into a phone at a robot, reading nightmarish news all day, every day, hot.

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Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

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I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again.

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My sleeping pattern isn’t even a pattern anymore. It’s a lifestyle.

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When physical labor became optional, we invented the gym. We’ll need the same thing for the mind.

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I don’t drink alcohol. I like suffering raw.

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If you want to make God laugh, inhale some helium then tell Him your plans.

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I hate small cars that disguise themselves as free parking spaces and drop their masks as soon as you pull up in front of them.