46 funny alive quotes - Wordgag

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too… when I was alive.

May 23, 2026

Some people you look at or hear talking and think to yourself, the wheel may be turning, but the hamster is dead.

May 22, 2026

At my age, you check a friend’s Facebook page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

May 22, 2026

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

May 22, 2026

I prefer to use deodorant immediately after shaving my armpits so that I can feel that I’m still alive.

May 21, 2026

I don’t hate you, I just don’t want to see you alive.

May 20, 2026

They should invent a word for when you’re alive but not really living.

May 20, 2026

We could have high-speed rail that connects the entire country, but instead we get AI porn bots that steal all of our drinking water to entertain the dumbest people alive.

May 20, 2026

Swimming is so embarrassing, everyone can see you want to be alive.

May 19, 2026

If you want people to have kind words when you pass, you should say kind words when you’re alive.

May 19, 2026

Some people buy shoes to feel alive. I buy boarding passes.

May 19, 2026

They said, “Enjoy your money because life is short.” Now my money is finished, but I’m still alive.

May 19, 2026

It’s a fabulous time to be alive if you love: verification codes, verifying your email, yelling ‘REAL PERSON’ into a phone at a robot, reading nightmarish news all day, every day, hot.

May 19, 2026

As long as I’m alive, I can begin again and again and again, again and again and again, again and again and again.

May 19, 2026

Naps hit different when you’re using them to avoid being alive.

May 18, 2026

“There’s a reason religion tells you your reward is after death; it keeps you quiet while you’re being exploited alive.”

Apr 2, 2026

Being alive and sentient has been the worst thing to have ever happened to me.

Apr 1, 2026

“You’re crazy.” God forbid I keep my family traits alive.

Apr 1, 2026

I’ve been alive my whole life, and not once have I seen a commercial for Chinese food.

Apr 1, 2026

What a time to be alive, it’s like the collapse of Rome, but with memes.

Apr 1, 2026

Someone needs to make an app for a Tamagotchi that you keep alive by going offline.

Apr 1, 2026

Sometimes being alive feels like being a pornstar who is asexual.

Apr 1, 2026

Someone at work had a 25-year anniversary, and it took everything in me not to say she’s been working longer than I’ve been alive.

Apr 1, 2026

Do you ever think back about all the crazy stuff you did when you were younger, and wonder how you’re still alive?

Mar 31, 2026

The sweet spot is just enough pain to know you’re alive, but not quite enough to wish you were dead.

Mar 31, 2026

I woke up alive again.

Mar 31, 2026

What a time to be alive! (Derogatory)

Mar 31, 2026

Sex is cool, but have you ever made peace with the horror of being alive.

Mar 31, 2026

I have been alive all my life, and have not once seen a Chinese food commercial.

Mar 31, 2026

I finally used a screw from the random screw collection I’ve been accumulating for 25 years, and I’ve never felt so alive.

Mar 31, 2026

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name, they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship.

Mar 30, 2026

Fitbits are just Tamagotchis, except the stupid animal you’re trying to keep alive is you.

Mar 30, 2026

Hate it when my alarm goes off in the morning, and I’m still alive.

Mar 30, 2026

The devil is keeping him alive to avoid spending eternity with him in hell.

Mar 29, 2026

Babe, are you ok? You’ve barely talked about the horrors of being alive.

Mar 29, 2026

I cannot imagine being in high school right now. Imagine the world is eating itself alive and you’re in school.

Mar 29, 2026

What an embarrassing time to be alive.

Mar 29, 2026

It’s getting very expensive to be alive.

Mar 29, 2026

In the 90s, you could tell who won the rap battle by who was still alive.

Mar 28, 2026

All of my problems boil down to me being bad at being alive.

Mar 27, 2026