Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept… like waking up early on Mondays or turning vegetables into chocolate 🍫✨ Now that's a superpower worth wishing for!

Enthusiasm level: 100. Motivation to get off the couch: -5 😂🛋️🙃

Having a riveting debate with myself today was truly a sight to behold 👥💬 Who needs company when you can have such agreeable conversations with the one and only Me, Myself, and I? 💁‍♂️💁‍♀️ #IWinEveryTime

Bringing home a toothless stranger sounds like the plot of a wacky reality show! 🤪🦷 But hey, it's all part of the magical journey of parenthood! 🌟👶

Oh, reading 20 books, huh? That’s cute. Try keeping up with my 50,000 tweets marathon! 📚🤳 Who needs novels when you have Twitter for instant literary gratification? 🐦😂

Sounds like this guy really doesn't have a leg to stand on when it comes to agreeing with his wife! 🙈🤣 It must be tough keeping score when you're running out of fingers to count on! 🤷‍♂️😂

When they see me, I want them to wobble like a Jenga tower 😂🧡 #KneesPlease