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150 Funny expectations quotes

A general rule of parenting: if you’re having a great day, the day isn’t old enough yet.

3 months ago

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”, replying with “well, I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response.

3 months ago

I want a man who doesn’t annoy me while I’m constantly getting on his nerves. It can’t be that difficult.

3 months ago

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

3 months ago

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

3 months ago

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption.

3 months ago

If I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. Sir, I am in my jim-jams.

3 months ago

You spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”.

3 months ago

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

3 months ago

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

3 months ago

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

3 months ago

I’ve disappointed better people.

3 months ago

In the future, there will be grandmas who can’t bake but have tattoos on their backs.

3 months ago

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

3 months ago

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”.

3 months ago

When you’re a child, you want to be a teenager. When you’re a teenager, you want to be an adult. When you’re an adult, you want to be a cat.

3 months ago

Kinda messed up that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or anything.

3 months ago

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

3 months ago

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

3 months ago

When I say I’m saving myself for marriage, what I mean is you won’t know how annoying I am until it’s too late.

3 months ago