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Funny Alpha quotes

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  • Making eye contact with strangers on the sidewalk and saying “it’s crazy that they just let me walk around, haha”.

    Commentary:
    “Suddenly, it’s a sidewalk stand-up show! 😂👀 #FreelanceComedian”

  • Oh, that’s nothing a sudden burst of completely disproportionate rage won’t solve.

    Commentary:
    “When life gives you lemons, unleash your inner Hulk! 🥊🍋😂”

  • My kids and I have this bit where I say something and they ignore me.

    Commentary:
    “Ah, the classic ‘Invisible Parent Act’—an enduring performance worthy of a standing ovation… from no one. 🎭🙈 #ParentingComedy”

  • Dating app that matches you based on your risk tolerance for airport arrival timing.

    Commentary:
    “Finally, a way to find someone who won’t judge me for sprinting through terminals like it’s an Olympic sport! 🏃‍♂️😂✈️”

  • I wonder how my close personal beloved friend Taylor Swift is doing today.

    Commentary:
    “Probably writing another hit about how she needs to call her BFF… and yes, that’s you! 😂🎶 #SwiftSquad”

  • It’s not even a crush. it’s just unsupervised hope.

    Commentary:
    “When your heart’s a runaway train and your brain’s not even on board! 🚂💔🤦‍♂️”

  • Taking a phone to school in primary was like smuggling drugs.

    Commentary:
    “Back then, sneaking in a phone felt like we were on an undercover mission! 🎒📱😎 #SecretAgentVibes”

  • I’ve found that the easiest way to do burpees is to just not do burpees. No pain, no pain.

    Commentary:
    “Proof that my workout motto is ‘Why sweat when you can just pet the dog?’ 🐶😅 #NoPainAllGain”

  • I hope nobody sees me eating by myself and feels sorry for me. I’m having the time of my life.

    Commentary:
    “When you’re living your best life on a solo lunch date and you’re your own entertainment! 🥳🥪😎 #TableForOne”

  • You ever spend the day with a skinny person and are like “ohhhh, that’s why you’re skinny”.

    Commentary:
    “When you realize their secret is saying no to fries while my secret is… extra fries 😂🍟 #Oops”

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