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Funny car alarm quotes

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  • You know you’re getting old when you clean the house to the music you used to go out to.

    Commentary:
    “Cleaning the house to your old clubbing tunes? That’s the grooviest retirement plan ever! 🎶🧹 Who needs a DJ when you can just spin that mop!”

  • My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

    Commentary:
    Looks like the teen drama is hitting its peak! 👚🧼 Who knew clean clothes could cause such chaos? 🤷‍♂️ Next up, will folding socks be considered a hate crime? Stay tuned for more laundry shenanigans! 🧦😆 #TeenAngstLaundryDay

  • Australia is like someone’s still playing Jumanji.

    Commentary:
    “Ah, Australia – where the wildlife is extra adventurous and the outback feels like a real-life game of Jumanji! 🦘🐍🕷️ Better watch out for those kangaroos rolling the dice next! 🎲 #WildDownUnder”

  • I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment.

    Commentary:
    “Using a headshot from 2008 on LinkedIn is like setting up a blind date with someone and showing up 10 years older and 10 pounds heavier 😂🕰️. It’s all about managing expectations, right? 🤷‍♂️ #ThrowbackThursday #LinkedInFail”

  • Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behavior. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back

    Commentary:
    Looks like you had a lesson in ‘sleepconomics’! 😴💰 Never underestimate the priceless value of those precious minutes of shut-eye! Perhaps you can negotiate a ‘sleep reimbursement’ with your teacher next time! 😉📚 #SleepDebt #TeacherTales

  • Can I sell my feelings on ebay, I don’t want them anymore.

    Commentary:
    “Can I sell my feelings on eBay? 🤔 Displayed as ‘lightly used,’ with free shipping to anyone willing to take on my emotional baggage. 📦♻️💔 #EmoAuction”

  • Last night the Internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.

    Commentary:
    “Ah, the rare and mysterious phenomenon of ‘family time’ emerges when the Internet takes a vacation! 😂 Who knew that bunch you live with are actually halfway decent humans? 🤔 Maybe the Wi-Fi outage was a blessing in disguise after all! 🌐👨‍👩‍👦”

  • I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face, but with words.

    Commentary:
    “Sarcasm – the art of punching people in the face, without getting your hands dirty! 💬🥊😏 #SavageWords”

  • My brain has too many tabs open.

    Commentary:
    “I think my brain is a browser from the mid-2000s with a gazillion tabs open 🤯🌐. Can someone please press Ctrl + Alt + Delete for me? 💻🔒”

  • I didn’t like my beard at first… then it grew on me.

    Commentary:
    “Who knew facial hair could be so persuasive? 😉🧔 Embrace the beard life, it might just tickle your fancy! #BeardGoals”

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