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1 hour agoI will die on this hill or any hill really. I have no hill preference.
4 hours agoI eat my first meal of the day in the afternoon, bro. Don’t ask me for advice.
6 hours agoThis is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.
8 hours agoThe problem is that you are in the dating pool when the other fish are in the ocean.
10 hours agoAppliances always know when you’re getting a tax refund.
12 hours agoAt my age, “getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what you came in there for.
14 hours agoShut up brain, I wasn’t even talking to me.
16 hours agoIf you’re looking for another bad decision, I’m here.
18 hours agoI said “cool tattoo” to be nice not because I wanted to hear the 45 minute origin story.
20 hours agoI think I’ll spend my savings on a lifetime supply of pasta. Worth every penne.
22 hours agoI think we all know who to blame for the generation of parents who put too many Ys in their kids’ names. Lynyrd Skynyrd.
1 day agoFrom now on, every time I think I’m hating too much, I will think of Kendrick and realize I’m not hating to my full potential.
1 day agoLet the good times roll. Let the bad times crawl. Let the acceptable times do the hopscotch.
1 day agoFor Valentine’s Day, I’m gift-wrapping a shirt my husband hasn’t worn in years. It’s the thought that counts—and technically, I thought of it twice.
1 day agoIf you want to make God laugh, inhale some helium then tell Him your plans.
1 day agoWhen you meet twins, demand to speak with the one in charge.
1 day agoIf I get rid of social media, how will I know what everyone ate for dinner?
2 days agoCurious that talented athletes frequently credit God when they win, but we rarely see them blame God when they lose.
2 days agoPlot twist: weed is addicted to me.
2 days agoIn the 90s, you could tell who won the rap battle by who was still alive.
2 days agoAnother Monday that no one asked for.
2 days agoNotice how you don’t catch me in public, it’s because i’m not real.
2 days agoPetition to make weekends longer. Two days isn’t enough.
2 days agoWho else here can say that they have NEVER watched any of the Kardashian shows?
2 days agoPlease hesitate to get in touch with me.
2 days agoI’m not built to work, I’m built to brood in a castle with all my unread books.
2 days agoThey say dress for the job you want, but this baby diaper isn’t very comfortable.
2 days agoVanilla perfumes are so nice. It’s like walking into a bakery but you are the bakery.
2 days agoStop using ChatGPT. You got a question, you come to me first.
3 days agoLife stopped being real after 2019 anyways.
3 days agoPeople always ask me “Do you believe in God?” and I say of course it’s important to have self-belief.
3 days agoIf liars’ pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun.
3 days agoThe best way to enjoy your tea while the world is falling apart around you is to remember that the world has always been falling apart around you.
3 days agoBack in my day there was so much toilet paper and so much eggs that we gathered at night and threw them at the houses of our enemies.
3 days agoWe should all go into advertising and fix what’s going on with commercials. They need our help.
3 days agoNo one watches your story faster than someone who doesn’t talk to you.
3 days agoWhy is it called the Super Bowl if no one is bowling?
3 days agoSaying “Hmmmm” when my boss walks in so he knows I’m thinking about stuff.
3 days agoAll dogs are therapy dogs. The majority are just freelancing.
3 days agoDancing alone in your home is its own kind of therapy.
3 days agoSunday is my favorite day to invent new things to worry about.
3 days agoTwitter is cool because you can figure out what’s going on in the world through memes instead of watching the news.
4 days agoThey should invent a way to delete other people’s posts.
4 days agoA bird just flew into our glass door. Іt’s not dead. Just really embarrassed.
4 days agoGoing to hack Kanye’s account and make him post something normal.
4 days agoThreatening my husband with tariffs every time he tries to make me watch sports on TV.
4 days agoThree out of five times, my intuition is right. Not in casinos, though.
4 days agoPeople in my real life annoy me, so I come online to annoy you.
4 days agoGood morning. I’m ready for attention now.
4 days agoCountries are just gangs with paperwork.